I like it and I hate it when someone says sexual abuse will impact the victim for his/her whole life. I like it because it speaks to the gravity of such a crime and how invasive and intrusive the trauma can be.
I hate it because I hate the idea of expecting a life sentence because of someone else’s criminal behavior. As a therapist I encourage crime victims to dig in and muster up the courage to heal themselves from the after effects of the trauma, get resolution and intentionally move on to live their happy healthy life. The triumph is to move from victim to survivor to THRIVER.
The word victim has become somewhat vilified.
“I’m no victim”,
“You’re just being a victim.”
We says more negative things about victim than perpetrators. We are big on blaming victims, but that is the topic of another discussion. To heal from the impact of the trauma of victimization one must first acknowledge the reality that someone was able to somehow overpower them and harm them.
There is a perpetrator and a victim. The shame, the crime, the responsibility is completely the perpetrator’s. Victim means that they did nothing wrong.
It is dysfunctional for any of us to put the accountability for the crime anywhere but on the perpetrator. Victims need not to be vilified or blamed, but gently kindly and compassionately rescued, cared for and healed. Being clear on who is the VICTIM is the beginning of healing.
Then we have the survivor. The individual who needs to be acknowledged for the courage, strength and tenacity it takes to survive trauma and come out on the other end. To me the word survivor is about the healing time and the grit it takes to keep standing. It speaks about what it takes to deal with the indescribably difficult emotion, physical, sexual and sometimes legal challenges. It is a word of honor and bravery, it needs to be a passing word to get back to complete health. You don’t want someone else’s criminal act to become your identify. SURVIVOR is the interim word while healing and returning (or getting to) thriver.
Thriver is the concept of where the crime victim wants to end up after recovering from the trauma. It is the place of health and vitality and focusing on the present enjoyment of life rather than letting past traumas dictate how one lives. Thriving can also mean that when/if challenges do reappear the healed victim will be prepared and know what to do. Then they will get back to their normal, hopefully, happy life. THRIVING not surviving.
Tags: victim advocate
EVERYTHING CHANGES. ALWAYS.
While preparing for a presentation, I sat on a bench along the beautiful Sandcreek in Sandpoint, Idaho.
Looking up I noticed that the bank on the other side of the creek is forever changed.Construction had begun for a new bypass.
It took the city 60 years to finally pass it, but here it is. Having lived here for a good many of those years the idea of the bypass had become sort of a myth- the town joke. It took 60 years, but everything changes. Always.
My presentation was at the court house to parents mandated to hear a workshop on how divorce impact kids. Seeing Sandcreek torn up made me think of the families. The hope of the divorce is for things to be better in the end. Just like with the new highway.
Changes are always happening with intact families too. Kids grow.
Aging parents move in. Babies are born….
With divorce the family structure changes, the marriage partnership is over people live in different places, but the are still a family. Hopefully divorce results in the family getting to a happy “new normal” with their new configuration. And then, still, vetting changes.